Stoned Missile Crisis was originally entitled "America's New Intergalactic Defense Plan", but was changed during post-production. The plot of the skit was inspired by a FOX News report that aired in November 2010. We don't usually delve into politics, but the way the media handled this debacle was just so ridiculous that we had to take a shot at it.
ANNOUNCER: FOX News, we tell the truth.
RON: Today's top news story, it has been reported that the United States military has fired a missile from a remote submarine located on the California coast. The Pentagon has been unable to confirm further information at this time. We have retired United States Air Force Lieutenant General, Randy Washington, President Barack Obama, and former President, Bill Clinton, on the line to provide some insight on the situation.
RON: Lieutenant General Washington, what's your theory?
WASHINGTON: Well Ron, considering my extensive experience in the field, I'd have to say that the missile is most likely being targeted for China.
RON: China? Are you saying that the Americans were trying to initiate World War Three?
WASHINGTON: I know it's hard to hear, but yes.
OBAMA: Now now now, wait just a minute, Randy. Attacking China would be absolute suicide, I just can't have you calling me out like that. And truthfully, I can verify that Lieutenant General Washington's accusations are 100% inconclusive.
RON: Well, if not China, then who is the target?
OBAMA: Well Ron, I'd be more than happy to tell you. It's Earth's only satellite, it has a bunch of craters, and Tom Hanks, Ed Harris and Kevin Bacon have landed on it.
CLINTON: Oh, I know. It's the Moon! Haha!
WASHINGTON: The Moon? What in tarnation are you thinkin' Mr. President?
OBAMA: Well Randy, I'll tell you what in tarnation I'm thinkin'. It's quite simple: we blow up the Moon, blame it on China, then the whole rest of the world will be our allies.
CLINTON: Sounds like a good plan to me. Then we can go down to Antarctica, and wrestle some sea lions.
WASHINGTON: And go bowlin' with penguins!
CLINTON: Yeah! Penguins are so damn adorable. They're just about as cute as these little mittens I'm wearing. So warm and cozy.
RON: Mr. Clinton, are you high right now?
CLINTON: Absolutely not. I'm just really happy.
RON: Right. Anyway, Mr. President, what's your plan after you blow up the Moon? Have you thought about the consequences of this act? The tides, the impact craters?
OBAMA: Well, of course we've thought about this, Ron. We've thought about it through thick and thin, for forty days and forty nights you might even say. But, uh, truthfully, we have it all under control.
RON: Well, do you mind elaborating?
OBAMA: Uh, as a matter of fact, I do mind elaborating.
RON: Okay, so General Washington, what do you propose we tell the American people? How could they prepare for such upcoming events?
WASHINGTON: I'll tell you exactly how, Ron. I would advise the American people start gathering supplies to prepare for survival. Basic amenities: water, canned food...
CLINTON: And lots of Cheesy Double Beefies.
RON: Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Well, that's all the news we have for tonight. Tune in tomorrow for our coverage of the exotic grolar bears. I'm Ron Golden...heimen...wit... you stay classy, Ding Dang.
from Platonic Plankton From Pluto,
released April 1, 2011
Vince Prezioso as Ron Goldenbergenheimenwitz
Skyler Newman as Randy Washington
Jason Van Slyke as Barack Obama
Liam Rand as Bill Clinton