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Ever wondered why the Ring Wraiths in Lord of the Rings are so lousy at their jobs? Ever thought about what they do in their downtime when they're not tracking down hobbits? If so, you're in luck, because we've already reenacted the scenario for you in this lore-filled improvisational skit!

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NARRATOR: Meanwhile, after the Ring Wraiths botched the assassination at the Prancing Pony, they reconvened at a local pub in Mordor awaiting their next orders.

MARK: Alright fellas, okay, Prancing Pony didn't go off exactly as we wanted to, you know...

TODD: It's so disappointing.

MARK: I know Todd, I'm sorry, I know how much you like to kill things. Uh, Bruce, are you gonna get another beer, because I think I'm gonna get another one too.

BRUCE: Yeah man, I'm gonna get another beer.

MARK: Ok, Oscar, are you gonna get another beer?

OSCAR: Why... why... why do I wanna get another beer? What are we celebrating? Celebrating you stab pillows?

MARK: Oh my God...

OSCAR: Celebrating all four of us stabbing pillows.

BRUCE: Hey man, it's not that big of a deal, you know, sometimes... we'll get 'em next time, you know.

OSCAR: We can't capture four midgets and one ring.

BRUCE: I mean, I just think you guys...

OSCAR: Four midgets are out-thwarting four immortal beings.

MARK: Okay, Oscar, okay...

OSCAR: When we can actually sense where the ring's at.

MARK: I understand, I understand your frustration, but...

OSCAR: It's not even frustration, I mean, I don't really care.

MARK: Well, not that you're done, anyways... Bruce, what are you... stop looking at the underage elves. Thank you. Thank you.

BRUCE: Hey man, she's fuckin' cute, man.

MARK: Okay, okay, all I'm saying is that...

OSCAR: How did he even pass basic training, I don't understand. He is physically the worst Ring Wraith I've ever met.

MARK: I don't know, to be quite honest, but back to the situation at hand. All I'm saying that, I know that I'm the leader, and I know I should take responsibility, but I got all of the faulty information from the Witch King. You guys all know, and I'm pretty sure you guys have my back on this one, he whispers all the time, okay, so sometimes he just gets his words mixed up, I can't really hear him on my scrying device, it's just a pain, it's just a pain.

OSCAR: I just feel like, you know, the management in this team is just a little... lacking.

TODD: I don't know, from what I understand, it sounds like the Witch King is at fault here. Do you guys agree?

MARK: I do. You know what, you're right Todd, I do agree, and Oscar, if the management is at fault, maybe you should go through the proper channels, you know...

OSCAR: I think the Witch King does a great job, Todd.

MARK: Oscar, you got something brown on your shroud. I don't want to be a jerk, but...

OSCAR: A shroud? It's a cloak.

MARK: Whatever.

BRUCE: Waitress, hey!

MARK: Bruce, can't you just be polite for once?

TODD: Listen, guys...

BRUCE: Yeah man, what's up.

MARK: What's up?

TODD: I feel like we need a new Witch King.

MARK: A new Witch King? What do you mean, like stage a mutiny?

TODD: No, listen, listen. Not exactly a mutiny. But next time we see the Witch King, we'll have someone like Oscar, maybe Bruce, Bruce is good, we'll have Bruce go in front of him, do some dance or something that he likes to do, and then someone can come behind him, take the ring...

OSCAR: He does a good robot.

TODD: Steal his mace and bash him in the head. Then we'll have a new Witch King.

MARK: Todd...

BRUCE: I'm diggin' it, man, I like the idea...

MARK: No.

BRUCE: I think it's good, man.

MARK: No.

BRUCE: It's totally awesome, man.

MARK: Bruce, you think anything with two legs is a good idea, okay? Be quiet. No, Todd...

OSCAR: You know what I think's a good idea?

MARK: What?

OSCAR: Not killing pillows.

TODD: I agree.

MARK: Oscar, shut the fuck up.

BRUCE: It's kinda funny when you think about it, right. We just stabbed some pillows, man.

MARK: No, no it's not funny. Our success rate is going down. We're going in the red.

TODD: Bruce, you missed the pillow.

OSCAR: Yeah, you missed the pillow.

MARK: Yeah, you did miss the pillow. How drunk were you? You can't get drunk and wraith at the same time.

BRUCE: Hey man, I was pre-wraithin' man.

OSCAR: You remember Wraith 101, don't drink, don't smoke while on the job.

BRUCE: Hey guys, you need to throw that out the window. You guys are all hung up on this whole ring thing, man. You guys just need to enjoy...

OSCAR: That's our entire purpose in life is to find a ring.

MARK: I can't think, I would only know...

OSCAR: All we have to do is find one ring.

BRUCE: Have you guys even been to the Shire? Do you even know how much fuckin' weed is back there?

OSCAR: We were just there. How drunk are you? We were just at the Shire.

BRUCE: Whatever, man. You guys just don't even... you don't even understand...

OSCAR: What don't I understand?

BRUCE: Like, what I'm trying to do here, alright.

TODD: The Shire was real enjoyable.

BRUCE: You know, I'm just tryin' to wraith, and I'm just tryin' to have a good fuckin' time, man. I mean, we're immortal, and you guys are just like, throwin' that out the window, you know?

OSCAR: Well, probably because our whole immortality will be taken away if we don't find this fuckin' ring...

MARK: Ok, ok...

OSCAR: You fuckin' bro!

MARK: Guys!

OSCAR: How the fuck did you even become a wraith in the first place?

MARK: Calm down, calm down.

BRUCE: Hey, man...

MARK: Just, Bruce...

BRUCE: You're servin' me harsh browns here, man.

MARK: Just be quiet and drink.

TODD: We will need Bruce for this.

MARK: No, Todd, stop thinking about the mutiny, please. Please, can you guys... I'm the leader, can you guys just listen to me for once.

OSCAR: Some leader, yeah maybe if you knew how to...

MARK: What? No, what was that Oscar? Speak up, speak up. No, at the Prancing Pony you didn't want to say shit, but now you have a pair of brass balls.

OSCAR: No...

MARK: Okay, alright then, let's keep it that way.

OSCAR: Maybe, maybe, you know... you know...

MARK: Yeah... oh wait, hold on, hold on, my scrying device, it's moving.

BRUCE: Oh shit, is it the Witch King, man?

MARK: Oh God, yeah, it's the Witch King.

BRUCE: Aw...

TODD: Hopefully a new mission where we get to kill someone.

MARK: Okay, okay, Todd, you're probably going to get to kill something. Bruce, don't say anything, please, just leave the room. Oscar...

OSCAR: Can I talk to it?

MARK: No.

OSCAR: Can I talk to it?

MARK: No. Oscar, you cannot talk... okay, I have to answer this. I have to answer this. Hello? Yeah. No, it wasn't...

BRUCE: *cough*

MARK: No... that was Bruce.

BRUCE: *cough*Fag!*cough*

MARK: I don't know what that means. Oh, okay.

TODD: Tell him to meet us in the alley.

MARK: No... uh, no. The pillows... it wasn't really our fault. They had the Strider with them.

OSCAR: It wasn't our fault.

MARK: Oscar! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that was Oscar. Okay... Helm's Deep... No... We truthfully can't do that, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Gondor?

TODD: Fuck.

OSCAR: Tell him we're going through a tunnel, we'll call him back.

MARK: Okay, we're going through a tunnel. I gotta call you... I gotta call you back.

BRUCE: KRRRRR!

MARK: Okay.

TODD: You should have told him to meet us in the alley.

MARK: No. We're not going to kill the Witch King. Oscar, I'm sick of your pessimism, Bruce, like...

BRUCE: Yeah, what's up, man.

MARK: I feel like you're going to get kicked off the team, to be quite honest.

BRUCE: Hey man, I do my fuckin' job, you know.

MARK: But you do it poorly. You're drunk all the time.

BRUCE: Yeah, so what?

MARK: You raped a hobbit! They're three feet tall!

BRUCE: She wanted it, man, it wasn't rape!

MARK: It was a fucking boy. Come on!

OSCAR: He asked me to watch the door.

MARK: Oh my God. Ok, you know what...

TODD: Did you kill him afterward?

OSCAR: I didn't really, I didn't really know, I mean, we're supposed to be bad guys, and I feel like it was, you know, necessary to, you know, elect fear, but now that I think back on it, it was kinda... I don't know why I did it.

MARK: Well, I'm glad to see that you have a conscious, Oscar. Well, I'm gonna pay my tab, and uh, I'll see you guys later. You guys, you know, have a good night. See ya guys, later.

BRUCE: Later, bro.

OSCAR: Don't stab any pillows.

TODD: I'm gonna go look for someone to actually kill, not some pillows.

BRUCE: Hey, waitress! Two shots right here! Yeah! Lookin' fuckin' sexy.

MARK: Very nice, Bruce. Very nice. See you guys later. See you guys.

credits

from Platonic Plankton From Pluto, released April 1, 2011
Skyler Newman as Narrator/Bruce
Jason Van Slyke as Mark
Chris Atkins as Oscar
Pratik Patel as Todd

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