Drive​-​Thru Vampires

from by The Natty Bros.

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We'll never truly understand the Twilight vampire craze, but that doesn't mean we can't have some fun with it. We decided to go with three very different types of vampires to contrast with one another, and completely improvised the entire scene. When prompted with the question of what music to play in the background, Chris suggested the Bee Gees, and coincidentally, the first song that popped up on YouTube was Stayin' Alive.

lyrics

LESTAT: So Edward, what did you think of the vampire speed-dating tonight?

EDWARD: Count, can you just stop snapping please? Thank you. Gosh. Like I was saying, vampire speed-dating just really isn't my thing, Lestat. I just... if I don't have Bella next to me at all times, I just don't know what I am.

LESTAT: I took you to the speed-dating so that you could find somebody else.

EDWARD: I know, but there is no one else. There's only Bella, and without Bella, I'm nothing.

LESTAT: She's making you less of a vampire. Don't you understand? You have lost your blood-lust.

EDWARD: How can you say that? I still drink blood, it's just animal blood.

LESTAT: It's hardly the same thing as human blood, and you know that.

EDWARD: I... I just don't want to talk about this anymore. What are you guys gonna get to eat?

LESTAT: Count, what do you want?

COUNT: I want a Number Five, ah, ah, ah.

LESTAT: Okay.

EDWARD: What about you, Lestat? What do you want?

LESTAT: Well, I'd really like to go inside.

EDWARD: We all know that you just want to go inside so that you can eat all of the people ins...

COUNT: There are three cars in line in front of us. One, ah, ah, ah.

LESTAT: We're quite aware.

COUNT: Two, ah, ah, ah.

EDWARD: Count, we know there's three...

COUNT: Three, ah...

EDWARD: There's three cars.

COUNT: Ah, ah.

EDWARD: Okay, thank you, gosh. Like I was saying...

COUNT: My name...

LESTAT: What's so wrong with wanting to go inside?

COUNT: Is The Count.

EDWARD: You just want to suck everyone's blood!

LESTAT: So what, what's wrong with that, I'm a vampire!

EDWARD: I know, but vampires can be peaceful, too. We can live in harmony with the humans.

COUNT: We should go inside and count the people in line, ah, ah, ah.

EDWARD: Oh my God. I fucking hate both of you so much. Bella understands me, you guys are just like my human parents. You just don't know what I'm thinking, you just don't understand me at all.

LESTAT: You think this Bella will solve all of your problems, but no, all she does is hold you down, she just holds you back from what your true potential could be.

EDWARD: I just don't believe you, I don't believe you. I just... I just... I don't want to talk about this anymore I said, and besides, the cars are moving. Let's make sure we know what we want. I just want a vegetarian taco, just no meat and no cheese, just the shell and lettuce... and fire sauce, too, I like that.

COUNT: Do you know how many letters are in the word fag? Three, ah, ah, ah.

EDWARD: You know what, Count? You know what, fuck this, I'm leaving, fuck you guys. I'm going back to Bella's house.

LESTAT: Edward, wait.

EDWARD: No, I'm leaving. See ya later, queers.

COUNT: Let's count how many feet, as he walks away. One, ah, ah, ah.

LESTAT: So Count, you want to go inside now? We can count all of the employees.

COUNT: Yes, ah, ah, ah.

LESTAT: Excellent.

credits

from Platonic Plankton From Pluto, released April 1, 2011
Skyler Newman as Lestat
Jason Van Slyke as Edward
Chris Atkins as The Count

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The Natty Bros. Baltimore, Maryland

Comedy group from Baltimore, MD

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