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Dr. Peter Jones was inspired by the website, drpeterjones.com. Skyler thought it was absolutely hilarious and quirky to make a website about a dead cat, so he decided to write a monologue involving an insane doctor giving a eulogy about his deceased cat, then being abducted by aliens and transporting through time, while simultaneously sending sexual innuendo-filled messages to the beings of Earth. Wait, what?

lyrics

DR. PETER JONES: Good morning, everyone. I'm Dr. Peter Jones, and I'm going to tell you a story about a dear friend of mine who is no longer with us. His name was Petey.

Petey always enjoyed being playful. He would always just prance on over and hop on my lap. Oftentimes, I would stroke Petey's beautiful chest with my nose, and whisper silent little soliloquies.

But one day, Petey was gone. Like a flash in the night, my beautiful little pussy had become one with the universe. And ever since that day, I've never touched a pussy. I've never even thought about their furry hair. I've just settled for dogs. Just big, nasty dogs.

I don't know why this has happened, but I believe I'm making the first step to understanding the truth. Understanding what's really going on here, and well, I just can't take the interruption. My work is crucial, and I have plans of taking over the world. Taking over all of my mankind with my thoughts, and all of eternity will vanquish.

My God, my quadrilateral interference is off the charts!

What I meant to say was:

I will love everyone with my heart and soul, and dance round and round until we've drowned and settled the sea. He-he-he!

I am Dr. Peter Jones. I have come to steal your nipples. I will then construct a nipple tower with my collection of Earthling nipples. Have you seen my heart? It is in your hands.

Please pardon the interruption.

I am Dr. Peter Jones, and I have come to save you. I have come to show you the way of the One. The one that you call Neo.

Good afternoon. This is Dr. Peter Jones with a message for the kids. Stay in school, because school is cool. And when you're feelin' the vibe, you're goin' for a ride. So take a deep breath, close your eyes, and look into your mind to see the illusion. The illusion that's keeping you real comfortable. Real smooth talkin' and jivin' and slippin' and trippin' and wishin' you were somewhere else.

And what if I were to say that maybe someday you'd find the answers to the problems of the Earth. And that you have a chance to make a difference. Right here, right now. And let me ask you, wouldn't that be swell?

Please pardon the interruption.

Petey was surely my greatest companion. I could always just depend on my Petey to keep me warm in bed in the coldest nights of the winter. Without that pretty pussy, I would have surely died a painful death, full of shame and regret.

And I ask now, in the face of the Lord, please let me feel that furry pussy one more time. I don't have much time left, and well, it'd be an old man's greatest wish to feel a warm pussy one last time before he died.

Perhaps, not even a fully grown pussy, but a young pussy. An up-and-coming pussy, perhaps. One whom I could teach the lessons of life, and truly influence with the greatness of my heart.

I sign this treaty, on the eighteenth day of June, in the year 1776, as Dr. Peter Jones, the future ruler of the universe.

credits

from Platonic Plankton From Pluto, released April 1, 2011
Skyler Newman as Dr. Peter Jones

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The Natty Bros. Baltimore, Maryland

Comedy group from Baltimore, MD

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