Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare will always have a special place in our hearts, but just like any other online game, it's not uncommon to run into some players who are a bit different. From redneck racists to brat kids, the online gaming circuit certainly has a wide spectrum of personalities, and this improvisational skit attempts to recreate the most extreme of cases.
CRAFTY: Hey Queef, what's up man.
QUEEF: What's goin' on, Crafty. Want me to send you an invite? We're fuckin' wreckin' these guys right now.
CRAFTY: Ah yeah, what map you playin'?
QUEEF: Uh, I don't know. I think this is called District. The big giant square one.
CRAFTY: Oh yeah, yeah. It's kind of like, symmetrical.
QUEEF: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you like those crazy math terms and stuff you fuckin' bookworm, but yeah man, I'll send you an invite.
CRAFTY: Thanks, man.
QUEEF: I sent it out just now... fuck! I just got killed by my own grenade.
ICE: What are you two fags talkin' about?
QUEEF: Oh my God...
CRAFTY: Hey, IceBandit.
QUEEF: Hey, what's up IceBandit.
ICE: What... what's up... what's up guys. Hey, send me an invite to that game. I saw you guys on, thought you might need some help, heh-heh, I know you need help. Yeah, I know.
QUEEF: Yeah, we don't really need your help, but I'll send you an invite.
ICE: Woo! Send me an invite, yeah.
QUEEF: Alright, I sent it. I sent it.
ICE: What are we playin', gentlemen. What's the map? Gerald! Gerald!
CRAFTY: It's called District.
ICE: Let the dog in, I can hear it scratchin' at the door!
QUEEF: We're playing at District...
ICE: Gerald! Did you hear me!
QUEEF: Or at Showdown. I don't know what it's called.
ICE: What were you sayin'? What were you sayin'?
QUEEF: We're playing at Showdown! Jesus Christ.
ICE: Alright, I'm in the game. Oh, this game's almost over, why the fuck you'd invite me?
CRAFTY: Yeah, we're kind of, uh...
QUEEF: I'm sorry man, what do you want me to do.
CRAFTY: Kind of getting our asses beat here.
QUEEF: Alright, Crafty, uh, well...
ICE: Alright, it's cool, we'll go back to the main menu... I'll get my... I'll set up my classes and shit!
QUEEF: Oh, awesome man.
ICE: You know what's in every one of my classes?
ICE: The M16. Cause you know why?
ICE: Cause the M16's American.
QUEEF: Who would've thought.
CRAFTY: It's good, but I like the MP5 personally.
ICE: Did you let the dog in?
QUEEF: Personally, I would like...
QUEEF: Alright, just vote to skip this, uh, fuck Countdown.
QUEEF: I like the AK-47.
QUEEF: Yeah, man...
ICE: You wanna know what happened to me today?
QUEEF: Sure, what happened to you, Ice?
ICE: I was like sittin' at home, drinkin' a beer, watchin' Jerry Springer, and...
QUEEF: Really, who would've thought.
ICE: My ex-wife calls me up, and she goes, "IceBandit," cause I don't want to tell you my real name cause you guys could be hackers 'n shit. She goes, "I have your child inside of me, and you have to pay half of the abortion." And I was like, "Bitch, prove to me that that baby's mine, and I'll pay half." Comin' up to me, how do I know, how do I know she's even pregnant. Maybe she just wants that 250 dollars. How do I know? I don't trust her. I don't trust no woman as far as I can throw her, and I can't throw her very far, you get what I'm sayin'? You get what I'm sayin', Troglobitz? Gerald!
QUEEF: Crafty, why do you...
ICE: Get me an ice-pop out of the freezer!
QUEEF: Do you just want to join private chat later? This guy is... why... why did you friend him?
CRAFTY: I don't know, he's good.
ICE: Cause you know I'm the best C.O.D. player. You've never seen the skills that I have with the M16. Cause you know why? Cause the M16's the best gun ever made by America.
QUEEF: Do you like everything if it's made in America?
ICE: Damn right.
CRAFTY: Hey Mom, do we have anymore Mountain Dew, Mom?
QUEEF: Oh, ok, well that seems pretty strange.
ICE: I love Mountain Dew, I drink it in liter form.
QUEEF: In liter form?
CRAFTY: Oh, well I'll just have, um...
QUEEF: That's pretty unhealthy don't you think?
CRAFTY: Pepsi's fine, thanks.
QUEEF: Oh, get... why didn't you get that guy, IceBandit, if you're so good?
ICE: Oh, host ends the game. Host ends the game cause IceBandit's in this fuckin' game. You will leave! You will leave motherfucker!
QUEEF: Jesus fuckin' Christ. I hope we play on Crossfire next.
ICE: Crossfire! Yeah, remember those commercials back in the day? You had those kids with the lame ass leather jackets, they probably sucked each other's dicks right before they played the game.
QUEEF: Oh my God.
CRAFTY: That was a good one, IceBandit.
QUEEF: Ah, Crossfire. Fuck yeah, let's do it.
ICE: Yeah! Crossfire! Yeah. I like to snipe on this level, get back in the fuckin' house, and you're all like bam! I like the R700 cause that gun just fuckin' takes 'em down like an elephant. Hey, you guys know there's a monster truck jam Saturday down at the, uh... the uh...
QUEEF: Convention Center, you mean?
ICE: Convention Center, yeah, you know...
QUEEF: Yeah, I'm sure neither of us are gonna go.
ICE: If it's got more than three syllables, I don't know how to fuckin' say it.
QUEEF: Yeah, well I'm pretty sure you and all your friends are gonna be there.
ICE: Yeah, I can't wait to watch Gravedigger. He's gonna smash some cars! Woo! Woo!
QUEEF: Oh, Gravedigger. Let's not forget Bigfoot, yeah... there's awesome. I love monster trucks, don't you, Crafty?
ICE: Yeah bitch, I just knifed your mother... Gerald!
CRAFTY: Thanks, Mom.
ICE: Gerald, bring me a beer!
QUEEF: Oh, bring you a beer. So, how drunk are you?
ICE: Is that even a question?
QUEEF: Uh, I guess not. I guess not, man.
ICE: Listen, son. You question my drunkenness, when I question what your... your... gayness, yeah.
QUEEF: That's really smart, man.
QUEEF: Talk about...
QUEEF: Fuckin' America the brave.
ICE: I got UAV, what the fuck do you got? Gay guy that makes fun of me for lovin' America. Do you have somethin' against men who love America? Why don't you move to France? I was watchin' the Bill O'Reilly Factor yesterday, and he said that if you don't call 'em freedom fries, and you call 'em french fries, then you're a fuckin' queer ass French, Muslim terrorist Marxist mothefucker and you probably voted for Obama. Watch out for the claymores, motherfucker! You know they put 'em there, heh-heh.
CRAFTY: Hey Queef, there's a guy in front on you, watch out.
QUEEF: Alright, thanks man. Let's just try to work together, because, uh, um, yeah, IceBandit's not trying to work together, he's just trying to talk shit.
ICE: I don't talk shit.
ICE: I make shit happen.
QUEEF: You make shit happen, huh? Why are we losing? We're getting our asses beat.
ICE: I'm not losing. I'm four and three right now.
QUEEF: Yeah, I know, but if you're on the losing team...
ICE: I don't give a shit, this is COD 4.
QUEEF: Oh my God. You know what, after this game I'm leaving, I just can't stand this guy anymore, he's a fuckin' moron, I'm sorry.
ICE: You're a fuckin' moron cause you're, uh... if I'm such a moron, then why are such a less good of as player as I am?
QUEEF: Oh my God...
CRAFTY: Guys, if we just play together we'll just...
QUEEF: I just can't play...
QUEEF: Do you hear this, Crafty? I can't...
QUEEF: This is uncalled for. You shouldn't plug...
ICE: Where the fuck's that beer at?
QUEEF: You shouldn't plug your mic in if you're just going to yell at your fuckin...
CRAFTY: I don't want to mute you, but...
ICE: Thank you.
QUEEF: What's this guy's problem? Are you fuckin' retarded, man?
ICE: Am I retarded?
QUEEF: Were you raised in a God damn barn?
ICE: Am I retarded?
QUEEF: Yeah, are you fuckin' retarded? It's a simple question.
ICE: Your last name on your gamertag is queef.
QUEEF: So... you don't like queefs?
ICE: That means, you're a queef.
CRAFTY: What's a queef?
ICE: I'm not even gonna explain that.
CRAFTY: Oh, ok.
QUEEF: Whatever, man. I don't make fun of you...
ICE: Watch out, he's got a grenade launcher! He's a noob-tubin' son of a bitch!
QUEEF: Yeah, I know, guess who just killed me? It was that noob-tubin' son of a bitch. You know why? Cause you didn't have my fuckin' back, as usual.
ICE: Listen, I can't be everywhere at once. I'm not Jesus Christ... praise Jesus.
QUEEF: He's your lord and savior, huh?
ICE: You know who I don't like? President Obama?
QUEEF: Why not?
ICE: Because he's a black Africo-American.
QUEEF: Oh, really.
ICE: I don't trust him. How could I ever trust a black man as a President?
QUEEF: I don't know, that's a good question.
ICE: I mean, we don't even know if he's born in America, and if he's not born in America, you definitely can't trust him, because he might be a Muslim cell. I've watched every season of 24, and if anything Jack Bauer's ever told me, is that I never ever... Gerald! Gerald, put that back! Anyways, what was I talkin' about?
QUEEF: Yo, they've ended the game like three fuckin' times.
CRAFTY: Guys, I think I gotta go, um, I think my mom said dinner's ready.
ICE: Troglobitz, where you goin', come on, let's play another one.
QUEEF: I think I'm just gonna leave too.
QUEEF: I'll see... I'll see you guys later.
ICE: Guys... guys come back.
CRAFTY: See ya later, guys.
QUEEF: No... no...
ICE: Where you goin... no... fine, I'll play Wet Works by myself.
from Platonic Plankton From Pluto,
released April 1, 2011
Skyler Newman as CraftyTrilobyte
Jason Van Slyke as MasterQueef
Chris Atkins as IceBandit