Platonic Plankton From Pluto

by The Natty Bros.

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    Immediate download of 20-track album in your choice of 320k mp3, FLAC, or just about any other audio format. Also includes 57-page digital booklet containing full skit transcripts, commentary, and photos!

     

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about

A compilation of skits from October 2010 to March 2011 of The Natty Bros. Podcast, including intro and new single, Dr. Peter Jones!

credits

released April 1, 2011

Written, directed, and produced by The Natty Bros.

Starring: Skyler Newman, Jason Van Slyke, Chris Atkins, Pratik Patel, Liam Rand

Featuring: Austin Gladney, Vince Prezioso, Jon-Michael Burgess, Phil Alsop, Jodi Elkin, Amalya Murrill

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The Natty Bros. Baltimore, Maryland

Comedy group from Baltimore, MD

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Track Name: Intro
OPERATOR: We're sorry, but your call could not go through. Please standby while we fill your mind with thoughts of fear, greed and anxiety. Thank you for your cooperation.
Track Name: The Wrath Of Jobs
KIRK: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before!

KIRK: Captain's Log, Stardate 42354.8. Our destination is Planet X, an unexplored body deep in space. My orders are to investigate a mining colony within the main region, and to make contact with the local inhabitants.

KIRK: Spock, status report.

SPOCK: Captain, thrusters have been engaged, and all systems are online.

KIRK: Excellent, full speed ahead.

SPOCK: Captain, there appears to be a problem.

KIRK: What is it?

SPOCK: We're receiving some network interference.

KIRK: The Internet's down again? I just called Comcast on Tuesday!

SPOCK: I've already contacted Comcast Customer Service, and there doesn't appear to be any outages at this time.

KIRK: Well, did you try restarting the router?

SPOCK: Of course, but that didn't fix the issue.

CHEKOV: Uh, Captain, I've reviewed the browsing history from last week, and I've noticed something, uh, irregular, Captain.

KIRK: Irregular? How so?

CHEKOV: Well, Captain, I found about 200 records of browsing activity at the, uh, infamous porn site, boobookittyfuck.com, Captain.

KIRK: But that's impossible, the network security blocks untrusted web sites.

SPOCK: Yes, except for one terminal… your's, Captain.

KIRK: Are you accusing me of watching extreme clown bondage porn on the ship's master terminal?

CHEKOV: Well, Captain, I never specified the precise content that was viewed...

KIRK: Silence! There will be order on this deck!

SPOCK: Captain, I've run a system scan and it appears that a virus has been detected.

KIRK: A virus? How can that be? Our whole network is running on Macs!

SPOCK: And if we don't act soon, the virus will infect the entire infrastructure.

KIRK: Son of a bitch. So what are our options?

CHEKOV: Uh, well Captain, we could run anti-virus software to eliminate the malware, Captain, but, um, Captain, I'm afraid that the only Mac-compatible software is, uh, out of our budget, Captain.

KIRK: My God… what's our alternative?

SPOCK: We may have to switch to PC.

KIRK: No!

CHEKOV: Well, actually Captain, for the same amount that we spent for, uh, your master terminal, Captain, uh, we could buy and upgrade news PCs for the entire ship, Captain.

KIRK: I understand… but then we wouldn't have all of the pretty icons and user interface options. Usability would decrease tenfold!

SPOCK: I'm sorry, Captain, but we have no other choice.

KIRK: Jobs… Jobs!
Track Name: Turbo Toilet
ANNOUNCER: Are you tired of your toilet clogging? Does your shit frequently overflow? Well fear no more, for all of your waste removal nightmares have been resolved! Introducing the Turbo Toilet, the most powerful and innovative shit-pumping device on the market.

CUSTOMER #1: Ever since I started using the Turbo Toilet, my bathroom time's literally been cut in half. The Turbo Toilet literally sucks the poo out of my asshole, and it also got rid of that abomination demon baby that my daughter had out of wedlock. Thank you Turbo Toilet, I love you, and God bless America.

CUSTOMER #2: My toilet was just a standard bidet, and well, it was nice, but there was much to be desired. Now Sebastian and I are just raving about how clean our colons are!

CUSTOMER #3: For so many years, I've had to dig little graves for my delicate little friends. But now that I have the Turbo Toilet, I can simply flush them down right into the sewer. There's no better way to start my Sunday mornings than by tearing up my Turbo Toilet, and getting to the 6:00 AM church service.

ANNOUNCER: For only 27 payments of $19.95, you can have the Turbo Toilet delivered today! Call 1-800-FLUSH-ME within the next 20 minutes, and receive a 12-month subscription to Consumer Digestion free! The Turbo Toilet, the rectum revitalizer.
Track Name: Norse Strike Force V
GALLAGHER: Avast! Hold down the fort, lads. The enemy will be approaching by daybreak.

RIDGELY: Damn it, Gallagher. We're short on men. These are not soldiers, they're peasants!

GALLAGHER: I'm aware of the situation, Ridgely. There's no need for your pessimism. We must stand strong if we expect to survive this.

KNOX: This sword has been brought down from generation to generation. Long ago, my ancestors used this to diminish the Magnelite General.

RICHARDS: Excellent, my lord. The enemy will never see what's coming to them.

KNOX: Precisely.

COMBINED: Hahahahahaha!

JAMESON: On this day, we fight! Do not give in to fear! Know that there is more to this life than meets the eye, for you are doing the work of the Almighty! Raise your swords, brace your shields, for this will be a day to remember!

GALLAGHER: Brother, I will follow you until the end.

RIDGELY: Until whatever end that may be, brother.

GALLAGHER: Think of what father would say to us now.

RIDGELY: He'd be a proud man to see his sons fighting for their countrymen.

KNOX: By the blades of my arrow and the strike of my sword, I will make history this day.

RICHARDS: Yes, and then later we will reap the fruits of our labor.

KNOX: Think of the women bowing at our feet.

RICHARDS: The children looking to us as heroes.

JAMESON: Cover your flank, Thorian, ah! Move up, move up!

GALLAGHER: Brother, look to the East!

RIDGELY: So much death… so much carnage…

GALLAGHER: Don't give up now, brother. We're almost out of this.

KNOX: Ahhh! Feel my wrath, Thorian!

RICHARDS: Ha-ha! Taste my sword, peasant!

JAMESON: Come close, Thorian.

GALLAGHER: My lord...

JAMESON: We've fought valiantly this day. Never give up hope.

KNOX: Richards! Richards!

RICHARDS: Over… here…

KNOX: No… what happened?

RICHARDS: It's not too bad.

KNOX: We must find your medicine, immediately.

RICHARDS: No… just leave me.

KNOX: No! I will not let you die here.

RICHARDS: We've won, brother. Just... let me go.

KNOX: I'm sorry it had to end this way.

RICHARDS: Take care of my family.

KNOX: Of course. Goodbye, gentle warrior.
Track Name: Dungeons & Dragonites
DM: Mom, put in more pizza bagels! Alright. Elias The Bold, where were we.

ELIAS: Yes, Dungeon Master?

DM: Alright, let's see. You're walking through the catacombs of Vordok, and you encounter the Maiden of Despair.

ELIAS: No! Sire, please. Anything but the Maiden!

DM: My word is law. Roll the dice, knave.

ELIAS: Alright, I'll roll a six for Mantra Magic.

ELIAS: Yes, it was six!

DM: You can't do that!

CURTIS: Elias, you don't have enough EXP.

DM: Thank you, Curtis The Conqueror. Now, where was I. Oh yes, the Maiden. She lures you into her lair, the Tomb of Desolation, and…

ELIAS: Wait, wait, I thought we were in the--

DM: Silence, peon! Where was I.

ELIAS: The Tomb?

DM: Yes.

CURTIS: Jesus Christ.

DM: What do you think Elias needs to do, Curtis?

CURTIS: Well, he should have equipped the Staff of Brilliance, which gives you plus nine charisma.

ELIAS: Wait, what's that?

DM: Seven of nine!

CURTIS: Isn't is obvious? You must swoon her. She is the Maiden.

ELIAS: You mean talk to her? Am I supposed to talk to her?

DM: Yes, yes.

CURTIS: You're ready, Elias. I have faith in you.

ELIAS: Ok, I drink from the Chalice of Courage.

CURTIS: I'm putting up a shield. Elias, make your move.

ELIAS: Do you want to come back to my room and watch The Wrath of Khan on Blu-Ray?

DM: Well done, good sir.

CURTIS: You've conquered her.

DM: Well done.

CURTIS: You may join our guild.

ELIAS: Yes!
Track Name: Caught In Transmission
SHAUN: Yeah... yeah, you like that. Yeah... dirty bitch.

JIM & SAMANTHA: Surprise!

COMBINED: Oh my God!

JIM: Jesus! Shaun, what are you doing?!

SHAUN: I thought you were coming back tomorrow!

SAMANTHA: We wanted to surprise you, honey.

JIM: Yeah.

SAMANTHA: Jim, you need to say something.

JIM: Um, uh, so yeah... look Shaun. There comes a time in every boy's life when he feels he needs to... express himself. And you've gotten to the point now where you've matured enough to... be sexual... and you know... the birds and the bees sometimes they, well, reproduce, and it's natural just like the way me and your mother, you know, had sex...

SAMANTHA: Jim!

SHAUN: Dad!

SAMANTHA: Look honey, it's perfectly natural to masturbate. Your father and I are leaving... now!

SHAUN: Alright, well that was awkward. Now, where was I?

SHAUN: Yeah... yeah, you dirty bitch.
Track Name: Ring Wraithin'
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, after the Ring Wraiths botched the assassination at the Prancing Pony, they reconvened at a local pub in Mordor awaiting their next orders.

MARK: Alright fellas, okay, Prancing Pony didn't go off exactly as we wanted to, you know...

TODD: It's so disappointing.

MARK: I know Todd, I'm sorry, I know how much you like to kill things. Uh, Bruce, are you gonna get another beer, because I think I'm gonna get another one too.

BRUCE: Yeah man, I'm gonna get another beer.

MARK: Ok, Oscar, are you gonna get another beer?

OSCAR: Why... why... why do I wanna get another beer? What are we celebrating? Celebrating you stab pillows?

MARK: Oh my God...

OSCAR: Celebrating all four of us stabbing pillows.

BRUCE: Hey man, it's not that big of a deal, you know, sometimes... we'll get 'em next time, you know.

OSCAR: We can't capture four midgets and one ring.

BRUCE: I mean, I just think you guys...

OSCAR: Four midgets are out-thwarting four immortal beings.

MARK: Okay, Oscar, okay...

OSCAR: When we can actually sense where the ring's at.

MARK: I understand, I understand your frustration, but...

OSCAR: It's not even frustration, I mean, I don't really care.

MARK: Well, not that you're done, anyways... Bruce, what are you... stop looking at the underage elves. Thank you. Thank you.

BRUCE: Hey man, she's fuckin' cute, man.

MARK: Okay, okay, all I'm saying is that...

OSCAR: How did he even pass basic training, I don't understand. He is physically the worst Ring Wraith I've ever met.

MARK: I don't know, to be quite honest, but back to the situation at hand. All I'm saying that, I know that I'm the leader, and I know I should take responsibility, but I got all of the faulty information from the Witch King. You guys all know, and I'm pretty sure you guys have my back on this one, he whispers all the time, okay, so sometimes he just gets his words mixed up, I can't really hear him on my scrying device, it's just a pain, it's just a pain.

OSCAR: I just feel like, you know, the management in this team is just a little... lacking.

TODD: I don't know, from what I understand, it sounds like the Witch King is at fault here. Do you guys agree?

MARK: I do. You know what, you're right Todd, I do agree, and Oscar, if the management is at fault, maybe you should go through the proper channels, you know...

OSCAR: I think the Witch King does a great job, Todd.

MARK: Oscar, you got something brown on your shroud. I don't want to be a jerk, but...

OSCAR: A shroud? It's a cloak.

MARK: Whatever.

BRUCE: Waitress, hey!

MARK: Bruce, can't you just be polite for once?

TODD: Listen, guys...

BRUCE: Yeah man, what's up.

MARK: What's up?

TODD: I feel like we need a new Witch King.

MARK: A new Witch King? What do you mean, like stage a mutiny?

TODD: No, listen, listen. Not exactly a mutiny. But next time we see the Witch King, we'll have someone like Oscar, maybe Bruce, Bruce is good, we'll have Bruce go in front of him, do some dance or something that he likes to do, and then someone can come behind him, take the ring...

OSCAR: He does a good robot.

TODD: Steal his mace and bash him in the head. Then we'll have a new Witch King.

MARK: Todd...

BRUCE: I'm diggin' it, man, I like the idea...

MARK: No.

BRUCE: I think it's good, man.

MARK: No.

BRUCE: It's totally awesome, man.

MARK: Bruce, you think anything with two legs is a good idea, okay? Be quiet. No, Todd...

OSCAR: You know what I think's a good idea?

MARK: What?

OSCAR: Not killing pillows.

TODD: I agree.

MARK: Oscar, shut the fuck up.

BRUCE: It's kinda funny when you think about it, right. We just stabbed some pillows, man.

MARK: No, no it's not funny. Our success rate is going down. We're going in the red.

TODD: Bruce, you missed the pillow.

OSCAR: Yeah, you missed the pillow.

MARK: Yeah, you did miss the pillow. How drunk were you? You can't get drunk and wraith at the same time.

BRUCE: Hey man, I was pre-wraithin' man.

OSCAR: You remember Wraith 101, don't drink, don't smoke while on the job.

BRUCE: Hey guys, you need to throw that out the window. You guys are all hung up on this whole ring thing, man. You guys just need to enjoy...

OSCAR: That's our entire purpose in life is to find a ring.

MARK: I can't think, I would only know...

OSCAR: All we have to do is find one ring.

BRUCE: Have you guys even been to the Shire? Do you even know how much fuckin' weed is back there?

OSCAR: We were just there. How drunk are you? We were just at the Shire.

BRUCE: Whatever, man. You guys just don't even... you don't even understand...

OSCAR: What don't I understand?

BRUCE: Like, what I'm trying to do here, alright.

TODD: The Shire was real enjoyable.

BRUCE: You know, I'm just tryin' to wraith, and I'm just tryin' to have a good fuckin' time, man. I mean, we're immortal, and you guys are just like, throwin' that out the window, you know?

OSCAR: Well, probably because our whole immortality will be taken away if we don't find this fuckin' ring...

MARK: Ok, ok...

OSCAR: You fuckin' bro!

MARK: Guys!

OSCAR: How the fuck did you even become a wraith in the first place?

MARK: Calm down, calm down.

BRUCE: Hey, man...

MARK: Just, Bruce...

BRUCE: You're servin' me harsh browns here, man.

MARK: Just be quiet and drink.

TODD: We will need Bruce for this.

MARK: No, Todd, stop thinking about the mutiny, please. Please, can you guys... I'm the leader, can you guys just listen to me for once.

OSCAR: Some leader, yeah maybe if you knew how to...

MARK: What? No, what was that Oscar? Speak up, speak up. No, at the Prancing Pony you didn't want to say shit, but now you have a pair of brass balls.

OSCAR: No...

MARK: Okay, alright then, let's keep it that way.

OSCAR: Maybe, maybe, you know... you know...

MARK: Yeah... oh wait, hold on, hold on, my scrying device, it's moving.

BRUCE: Oh shit, is it the Witch King, man?

MARK: Oh God, yeah, it's the Witch King.

BRUCE: Aw...

TODD: Hopefully a new mission where we get to kill someone.

MARK: Okay, okay, Todd, you're probably going to get to kill something. Bruce, don't say anything, please, just leave the room. Oscar...

OSCAR: Can I talk to it?

MARK: No.

OSCAR: Can I talk to it?

MARK: No. Oscar, you cannot talk... okay, I have to answer this. I have to answer this. Hello? Yeah. No, it wasn't...

BRUCE: *cough*

MARK: No... that was Bruce.

BRUCE: *cough*Fag!*cough*

MARK: I don't know what that means. Oh, okay.

TODD: Tell him to meet us in the alley.

MARK: No... uh, no. The pillows... it wasn't really our fault. They had the Strider with them.

OSCAR: It wasn't our fault.

MARK: Oscar! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that was Oscar. Okay... Helm's Deep... No... We truthfully can't do that, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Gondor?

TODD: Fuck.

OSCAR: Tell him we're going through a tunnel, we'll call him back.

MARK: Okay, we're going through a tunnel. I gotta call you... I gotta call you back.

BRUCE: KRRRRR!

MARK: Okay.

TODD: You should have told him to meet us in the alley.

MARK: No. We're not going to kill the Witch King. Oscar, I'm sick of your pessimism, Bruce, like...

BRUCE: Yeah, what's up, man.

MARK: I feel like you're going to get kicked off the team, to be quite honest.

BRUCE: Hey man, I do my fuckin' job, you know.

MARK: But you do it poorly. You're drunk all the time.

BRUCE: Yeah, so what?

MARK: You raped a hobbit! They're three feet tall!

BRUCE: She wanted it, man, it wasn't rape!

MARK: It was a fucking boy. Come on!

OSCAR: He asked me to watch the door.

MARK: Oh my God. Ok, you know what...

TODD: Did you kill him afterward?

OSCAR: I didn't really, I didn't really know, I mean, we're supposed to be bad guys, and I feel like it was, you know, necessary to, you know, elect fear, but now that I think back on it, it was kinda... I don't know why I did it.

MARK: Well, I'm glad to see that you have a conscious, Oscar. Well, I'm gonna pay my tab, and uh, I'll see you guys later. You guys, you know, have a good night. See ya guys, later.

BRUCE: Later, bro.

OSCAR: Don't stab any pillows.

TODD: I'm gonna go look for someone to actually kill, not some pillows.

BRUCE: Hey, waitress! Two shots right here! Yeah! Lookin' fuckin' sexy.

MARK: Very nice, Bruce. Very nice. See you guys later. See you guys.
Track Name: Epic Promotion
WU: Okay, okay. Everyone, quite down. Next item. Black boy on skates. What we call him?

LI: We call him, Skate.

WU: Promotion!

WU: Okay, everyone grab lunch.
Track Name: Kingdom Of Chad
CHAD: Behold, for I am Chad, ruler of Piedmont High. Me and my disciple, Sampson, require beverages to quench our thirst. Let me ask, Sir Clerk of Convenience, do you have any orange Mondo?

CLERK: Uh, no. We don't have any orange Mondo.

CHAD: I see. Well, do you have any Capri Sun?

CLERK: We don't have that either.

CHAD: Okay. Sampson! Sampson! There's no Mondo and no Capri Sun. What else can we prescribe?

SAMPSON: How about Sunny D?

CHAD: Sunny D? A logical choice. Do we have any Sunny D?

CLERK: See that sign there that says Sunny D? There's probably some there.

CHAD: Oh, I see it. Thank you, good Samaritan.

CLERK: Yeah, whatever.

CHAD: Sampson, this is the Chariot of Chad. Behold its magnificence.

SAMPSON: Wow. Can I touch it?

CHAD: Yes, but you must bless it.

SAMPSON: Bless it, I will.

CHAD: Let's ride!

CHAD: Principal Parker!

PRINCIPAL: What are you doing here, Chad?

CHAD: Prince, here me out. My disciple, Sampson, has a personal issue that he needs to inquire.

PRINCIPAL: Alright, what might that be?

SAMPSON: Well, sir, I feel that taking Physical Education shouldn't be required in the curriculum.

PRINCIPAL: And why not?

SAMPSON: Well, I feel that a student's personal fitness is their problem, not the school's.

PRINCIPAL: I see.

SAMPSON: And, well...

CHAD: Look Parks, what my colleague is trying to say is that he would like to change his schedule to his liking.

PRINCIPAL: I'm sorry, Chad. There's rules, and you've got to follow them. I don't have time for this.

CHAD: I see how it is. Sampson, let's get out of here.

CHAD: Damn it, Sampson, we've been foiled again.

SAMPSON: Well, we gave it our best shot.

CHAD: No! I will not stand for this insolence. Look Sampson, it's us against the world. If we don't stand for what's right, no one will. And I, Chad, son of Steve, ruler of Piedmont High, will make it my personal mission to see that every student gets the schedule of their liking, and that the world will see the evil of the governing bodies for what they truly are!

CHAD: Sampson, are you with me?

SAMPSON: I don't know man, I have homework.

CHAD: No! Sampson!

SAMPSON: Sorry man, I just gotta go...

CHAD: No! Ahhhh! Sampson!
Track Name: Special Delivery 4
NARRATOR: It was another typical day on the job for the mailman.

MAILMAN: Uh, here you go, Mr. Dudley. Have a good day.

NARRATOR: Until, he got a call from the President.

PRESIDENT: We need you to make a special delivery... for America.

NARRATOR: And then his life changed forever.

THUG: I want that package, and I want that mailman dead!

TONY: I'm putting together a team. Are you in, or are you out?

BILL: You know I stopped delivering a long time ago.

TONY: I know Bill, but you're the best there is.

BILL: Okay, I'll do it.

NARRATOR: Stallone.

BILL: Return to sender.

NARRATOR: Malone.

MAILMAN: Mail call!

NARRATOR: And introducing, Rusty Trombone.

RUSTY: Ahhh!

NARRATOR: In...

NARRATOR: Special Delivery 4.

NARRATOR: Coming this Hanukkah.
Track Name: Stoned Missile Crisis
ANNOUNCER: FOX News, we tell the truth.

RON: Today's top news story, it has been reported that the United States military has fired a missile from a remote submarine located on the California coast. The Pentagon has been unable to confirm further information at this time. We have retired United States Air Force Lieutenant General, Randy Washington, President Barack Obama, and former President, Bill Clinton, on the line to provide some insight on the situation.

RON: Lieutenant General Washington, what's your theory?

WASHINGTON: Well Ron, considering my extensive experience in the field, I'd have to say that the missile is most likely being targeted for China.

RON: China? Are you saying that the Americans were trying to initiate World War Three?

WASHINGTON: I know it's hard to hear, but yes.

OBAMA: Now now now, wait just a minute, Randy. Attacking China would be absolute suicide, I just can't have you calling me out like that. And truthfully, I can verify that Lieutenant General Washington's accusations are 100% inconclusive.

RON: Well, if not China, then who is the target?

OBAMA: Well Ron, I'd be more than happy to tell you. It's Earth's only satellite, it has a bunch of craters, and Tom Hanks, Ed Harris and Kevin Bacon have landed on it.

CLINTON: Oh, I know. It's the Moon! Haha!

WASHINGTON: The Moon? What in tarnation are you thinkin' Mr. President?

OBAMA: Well Randy, I'll tell you what in tarnation I'm thinkin'. It's quite simple: we blow up the Moon, blame it on China, then the whole rest of the world will be our allies.

CLINTON: Sounds like a good plan to me. Then we can go down to Antarctica, and wrestle some sea lions.

WASHINGTON: And go bowlin' with penguins!

CLINTON: Yeah! Penguins are so damn adorable. They're just about as cute as these little mittens I'm wearing. So warm and cozy.

RON: Mr. Clinton, are you high right now?

CLINTON: Absolutely not. I'm just really happy.

RON: Right. Anyway, Mr. President, what's your plan after you blow up the Moon? Have you thought about the consequences of this act? The tides, the impact craters?

OBAMA: Well, of course we've thought about this, Ron. We've thought about it through thick and thin, for forty days and forty nights you might even say. But, uh, truthfully, we have it all under control.

RON: Well, do you mind elaborating?

OBAMA: Uh, as a matter of fact, I do mind elaborating.

RON: Okay, so General Washington, what do you propose we tell the American people? How could they prepare for such upcoming events?

WASHINGTON: I'll tell you exactly how, Ron. I would advise the American people start gathering supplies to prepare for survival. Basic amenities: water, canned food...

CLINTON: And lots of Cheesy Double Beefies.

RON: Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Well, that's all the news we have for tonight. Tune in tomorrow for our coverage of the exotic grolar bears. I'm Ron Golden...heimen...wit... you stay classy, Ding Dang.
Track Name: Mr. Rock
MR. ROCK: Hey there, Sammy.

SAMMY: Hi, Mr. Rock.

MR. ROCK: What are you doing outside at this hour? Shouldn't you be at home?

SAMMY: Yeah... well, I was playing the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time, and I just couldn't figure it out.

MR. ROCK: Hmm... the Water Temple is pretty difficult.

SAMMY: Yeah, so I got fed up and hit my little brother.

MR. ROCK: Oh my.

SAMMY: Yeah, Mom told me to take a walk around the block to blow off some steam.

MR. ROCK: Heh, I've been there before. So what's in your mouth?

SAMMY: Um, just some gum.

MR. ROCK: I see. Well, let me ask you, Sammy:

MR. ROCK (singing): Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?

SAMMY: Yeah!

MR. ROCK (singing): If your mother says don't chew it, do you swallow it in spite?

SAMMY: Yeah!

MR. ROCK (singing): Can you catch it on your tonsils, can you heave it left and right?

SAMMY: Uh-huh!

MR. ROCK (singing): Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?

SAMMY: Wow, Mr. Rock. That was amazing.

MR. ROCK: Thank you, Sammy. I practice in the shower.

SAMMY: (chuckles)

MR. ROCK: So, Sammy, would you like to come inside and play more Zelda? I love playing games with little boys.

SAMMY: I don't know, Mr. Rock. My mom might get worried if I'm out too late.

MR. ROCK: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Sammy. Once we're through, I'll take care of your mother.

SAMMY: Well, if you say so, Mr. Rock. Thanks!

MR. ROCK: My pleasure, Sammy.
Track Name: Office Chumps
MR. RILEY: Hey...Ssss...Ssss...

STAN: It's Stan.

MR. RILEY: Stan, Stan, I know, I'm just messin' with you. What's up, Stan? How's it goin'?

STAN: Pretty good, Mr. Riley.

MR. RILEY: Workin' hard, that's great, that's great.

STAN: Yeah.

MR. RILEY: Hey, um, I just wanted to remind you that, um, Nate's not going to be in this week cause he's on vacation, and, um, we're just really gonna have to pick up the pace around here, you know, just you know, buck up, put on the saddle, and just go to town. You know we're just going to have to do that this week, so um, I'm gonna need some real good concentration out of you, I've been keepin' an eye on ya, keepin' an eye on ya, you've been doing great.

STAN: Yeah.

MR. RILEY: I'll talk to you later.

STAN: Alright, Mr. Riley.

MR. RILEY: Thanks. I'll talk to you later. I'll talk to you.

STAN: God, I fuckin' hate that guy.

CLIVE: Hey Stan.

STAN: Hey Clive.

CLIVE: What's goin' on man, how you doin'?

STAN: Pretty good.

CLIVE: I'm doing great, thanks for asking. You know, down in the IT Dungeon, it's uh... that's what we like to call it, you know, we don't have any windows down there, you know, they may as well have torture chains and stuff, but anyways, but anyways...

STAN: Right.

CLIVE: I just wanna talk shop with you for a little bit, you know, fuckin' proverbially pick your brain, um, I got the layout for the gaming website, phenomenal by the way for a, uh, amateur coder such as yourself. Do you mind if I call you that? That's great, um, I just wanna say, uh, you left one of your tags open in the HTML. Okay... yeah.

STAN: Oh, well, that can easily be fixed right?

CLIVE: Yeah, that's why I went ahead and fixed it. Don't thank me, I just thank myself, but you know, it's alright man, don't worry about it. But anyways, I'll, uh...

MR. RILEY: Hey, uh, hey... what are you guys talking about over here? What are you guys talkin' about?

CLIVE: Hey, Mr. Riley...

MR. RILEY: What's up, Clive? What are you guys talkin' about?

STAN: Just discussin' these, uh...

MR. RILEY: Hey, uh, you guys ever worked in the food industry before?

CLIVE: No, Mr. R.

STAN: No.

MR. RILEY: They just have this adorable saying, it's called, "You got time to lean, you got time to clean." Yeah, it rhymes. Yeah, you like that.

STAN: That's clever. That's clever.

MR. RILEY: Now, I know we're not cleaning around here, cause you know, we gotta do work...

CLIVE: Yeah.

MR. RILEY: But what I'm tryin' to get at is, you gotta get to work, guys. I love the talking, I love the friendship, I love the bonding, but you know, Stan's not here this week, I'm sorry... what's your name I'm again?

STAN: I'm Stan.

MR. RILEY: Sorry, Nate's not here this week.

STAN: Yeah.

MR. RILEY: Nate's not here this week. So, Nate's not here this week, so we're really gonna have to pick it guys, we're really gonna have to pick it up, we're really gonna have to keep the flow going. Alright, Clive?

CLIVE: Yeah.

MR. RILEY: Alright buddy, you got it? Can I get a high-five? Yeah, that's right. I'll talk to you guys later.

CLIVE: See ya later, Mr. R. That guy is such a fuckin' twat.

STAN: I know.

CLIVE: But anyway, man, like I was saying, closing tags, gaming website, it's okay man, don't worry about it, we're just gonna go straight to the top, but I guess I'll just get back to the dungeon, but uh, bro, dude, later on, Starbucks, chai-tea latte. That barista's checkin' you out, man, you should go in there, let her know how you feel, she's got a huge rack, she's lookin' nice, man.

STAN: Yeah.

CLIVE: She might be underage, but, hey, you don't have a ball 'n chain. You know what I'm sayin'?

STAN: That's right, man.

CLIVE: That's right, bachelors, woo! Single and ready to mingle! Alright man, catch ya later bro.

STAN: Alright. Alright, Clive.

CLIVE: See ya.

STAN: God that guy's fuckin' retarded. Why do I even listen to him. God...

MR. RILEY: Hey... Stan.

STAN: Hey, Mr. Riley.

MR. RILEY: Hey, I was just coming to tell ya, you're workin' hard, I like it. Workin' hard...

CLIVE: Oh, hey Stan, oh, what's up Mr. R? How you doin'? You wanna go to Starbucks later? Bro? Huh?

MR. RILEY: I was actually coming over to tell you guys, later on, you remember Friday's Hawaiian shirt day, right Clive?

CLIVE: Yeah, yeah.

MR. RILEY: Alright.

CLIVE: Yeah.

MR. RILEY: Stan, have you ever been to one of our Hawaiian shirt days on Fridays?

STAN: No, I actually haven't.

MR. RILEY: Well, that's great, because Friday, I'm sorry, Wednesday, Wednesday they're having a sale at JCPenney's. Twenty percent off Hawaiian shirts. Doesn't that work well? Let's all go after work, we'll get some, some, what were you saying?

CLIVE: Starbucks.

MR. RILEY: Starbucks, we'll get some Starbucks...

CLIVE: Sounds like a date, man. Man date! Man date!

MR. RILEY: We'll get some Starbucks, then go on over to JCPenney's and get some delightfully colored Hawaiian shirts.

CLIVE: Let's do it, bro.

MR. RILEY: Isn't that great?

CLIVE: Let's do it, bro.

STAN: It's such a coincidence, isn't it? It just works out so great.

CLIVE: Yeah.

STAN: You know, we all just get to go out...

MR. RILEY: You know what they call that? They call that synergy, guys. They call that synergy.

CLIVE: Synergy, man.

MR. RILEY: That's great minds coming together.

CLIVE: Synergy, Stan.

MR. RILEY: Anyways, we're gonna have to go to the meeting, guys. We've got five minutes, so get your stuff together, you know, get your daily reports, and we're gonna have our daily meeting.

CLIVE: Alright. Alright, man.

MR. RILEY: Alright, I'll talk to you guys later.

CLIVE: See ya later, Mr. R.

MR. RILEY: I'll see you guys in a little bit.

CLIVE: Alright, take it easy.

CLIVE: Guy's a queer.

STAN: Jesus fucking Christ.
Track Name: Don't Wake Daddy
JIMMY: Oh man, what's that dude with the gas mask on? He's crazy!

TIMMY: I don't know, he was hypnotizing Meryl earlier… oh my God!

JIMMY: How did he know that?!

TIMMY: He's reading my memory card!

JIMMY: That's crazy!

TIMMY: How's he turning invisible?

SHEILA: Boys, your father is trying to sleep. Please keep it down, alright?

JIMMY: Yeah, Mom.

TIMMY: Sorry, Mom.

TIMMY: Ok, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone, let's unpause it.

JIMMY: Alright.

TIMMY: How am I… he's invisible!

JIMMY: He's floating around the room!

TIMMY: He's throwing things at me!

JIMMY: Watch out for that statue!

TIMMY: Oh my God! I need more rations!

JIMMY: What's Meryl gonna do?!

TIMMY: She's shooting herself in the head!

JIMMY: Ahhhh! Ahhhh!

SHEILA: Boys! Boys! What did I just say? Your father's trying to sleep!

CLARK: What the fuck is going on in here?!

SHEILA: Oh, look at what you've done!

CLARK: What the fuck! It is early in the fucking morning! I have to work! No, shut the fuck up, Sheila!

SHEILA: Clark!

CLARK: I have to get up at six in the morning! Six in the fucking morning! You shut the fuck up, Sheila!

JIMMY: Ahhhh!

CLARK: Come here! Come here! Come here. Get the fuck over here.

CLARK: I can't wait till fuckin' both of you are dead. I'm gonna fuckin' go get my fucking knife, I'm gonna skin the fuck out of both your little bodies, and I'm gonna fuckin' hang the skin up like fuckin' slabs of meat on meat hooks, and I'm gonna sell your lifeless, skinless fuckin' bodies to food corporations around America, so they can chop your video games up. Fuck!
Track Name: Candid Call Of Duty
CRAFTY: Hey Queef, what's up man.

QUEEF: What's goin' on, Crafty. Want me to send you an invite? We're fuckin' wreckin' these guys right now.

CRAFTY: Ah yeah, what map you playin'?

QUEEF: Uh, I don't know. I think this is called District. The big giant square one.

CRAFTY: Oh yeah, yeah. It's kind of like, symmetrical.

QUEEF: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you like those crazy math terms and stuff you fuckin' bookworm, but yeah man, I'll send you an invite.

CRAFTY: Thanks, man.

QUEEF: I sent it out just now... fuck! I just got killed by my own grenade.

ICE: What are you two fags talkin' about?

QUEEF: Oh my God...

CRAFTY: Hey, IceBandit.

QUEEF: Hey, what's up IceBandit.

ICE: What... what's up... what's up guys. Hey, send me an invite to that game. I saw you guys on, thought you might need some help, heh-heh, I know you need help. Yeah, I know.

QUEEF: Yeah, we don't really need your help, but I'll send you an invite.

ICE: Woo! Send me an invite, yeah.

QUEEF: Alright, I sent it. I sent it.

ICE: What are we playin', gentlemen. What's the map? Gerald! Gerald!

CRAFTY: It's called District.

ICE: Let the dog in, I can hear it scratchin' at the door!

QUEEF: We're playing at District...

ICE: Gerald! Did you hear me!

QUEEF: Or at Showdown. I don't know what it's called.

ICE: What were you sayin'? What were you sayin'?

QUEEF: We're playing at Showdown! Jesus Christ.

ICE: Alright, I'm in the game. Oh, this game's almost over, why the fuck you'd invite me?

CRAFTY: Yeah, we're kind of, uh...

QUEEF: I'm sorry man, what do you want me to do.

CRAFTY: Kind of getting our asses beat here.

QUEEF: Alright, Crafty, uh, well...

ICE: Alright, it's cool, we'll go back to the main menu... I'll get my... I'll set up my classes and shit!

QUEEF: Oh, awesome man.

ICE: You know what's in every one of my classes?

QUEEF: Martyrdo...

ICE: The M16. Cause you know why?

QUEEF: Why?

ICE: Cause the M16's American.

QUEEF: Oh.

ICE: Gerald!

QUEEF: Who would've thought.

ICE: Gerald!

CRAFTY: It's good, but I like the MP5 personally.

QUEEF: Yeah.

ICE: Did you let the dog in?

QUEEF: Personally, I would like...

ICE: Alright.

QUEEF: Alright, just vote to skip this, uh, fuck Countdown.

CRAFTY: Yeah.

QUEEF: I like the AK-47.

ICE: So...

QUEEF: Yeah, man...

ICE: You wanna know what happened to me today?

QUEEF: Sure, what happened to you, Ice?

ICE: I was like sittin' at home, drinkin' a beer, watchin' Jerry Springer, and...

QUEEF: Really, who would've thought.

ICE: My ex-wife calls me up, and she goes, "IceBandit," cause I don't want to tell you my real name cause you guys could be hackers 'n shit. She goes, "I have your child inside of me, and you have to pay half of the abortion." And I was like, "Bitch, prove to me that that baby's mine, and I'll pay half." Comin' up to me, how do I know, how do I know she's even pregnant. Maybe she just wants that 250 dollars. How do I know? I don't trust her. I don't trust no woman as far as I can throw her, and I can't throw her very far, you get what I'm sayin'? You get what I'm sayin', Troglobitz? Gerald!

QUEEF: Crafty, why do you...

ICE: Get me an ice-pop out of the freezer!

QUEEF: Do you just want to join private chat later? This guy is... why... why did you friend him?

CRAFTY: I don't know, he's good.

ICE: Cause you know I'm the best C.O.D. player. You've never seen the skills that I have with the M16. Cause you know why? Cause the M16's the best gun ever made by America.

QUEEF: Yeah...

ICE: Best. Gun. Ever. Made. America! That's right.

QUEEF: Do you like everything if it's made in America?

ICE: Damn right.

CRAFTY: Hey Mom, do we have anymore Mountain Dew, Mom?

QUEEF: Oh, ok, well that seems pretty strange.

ICE: I love Mountain Dew, I drink it in liter form.

QUEEF: In liter form?

CRAFTY: Oh, well I'll just have, um...

QUEEF: That's pretty unhealthy don't you think?

CRAFTY: Pepsi's fine, thanks.

QUEEF: Oh, get... why didn't you get that guy, IceBandit, if you're so good?

ICE: Oh, host ends the game. Host ends the game cause IceBandit's in this fuckin' game. You will leave! You will leave motherfucker!

QUEEF: Jesus fuckin' Christ. I hope we play on Crossfire next.

ICE: Crossfire! Yeah, remember those commercials back in the day? You had those kids with the lame ass leather jackets, they probably sucked each other's dicks right before they played the game.

CRAFTY: Yeah.

QUEEF: Oh my God.

CRAFTY: That was a good one, IceBandit.

QUEEF: Ah, Crossfire. Fuck yeah, let's do it.

ICE: Yeah! Crossfire! Yeah. I like to snipe on this level, get back in the fuckin' house, and you're all like bam! I like the R700 cause that gun just fuckin' takes 'em down like an elephant. Hey, you guys know there's a monster truck jam Saturday down at the, uh... the uh...

QUEEF: Convention Center, you mean?

ICE: Convention Center, yeah, you know...

QUEEF: Yeah, I'm sure neither of us are gonna go.

ICE: If it's got more than three syllables, I don't know how to fuckin' say it.

QUEEF: Yeah, well I'm pretty sure you and all your friends are gonna be there.

ICE: Yeah, I can't wait to watch Gravedigger. He's gonna smash some cars! Woo! Woo!

QUEEF: Oh, Gravedigger. Let's not forget Bigfoot, yeah... there's awesome. I love monster trucks, don't you, Crafty?

CRAFTY: Yeah.

ICE: Yeah bitch, I just knifed your mother... Gerald!

CRAFTY: Thanks, Mom.

ICE: Gerald, bring me a beer!

QUEEF: Oh, bring you a beer. So, how drunk are you?

ICE: Is that even a question?

QUEEF: Uh, I guess not. I guess not, man.

ICE: Listen, son. You question my drunkenness, when I question what your... your... gayness, yeah.

QUEEF: That's really smart, man.

ICE: Yeah.

QUEEF: Talk about...

ICE: Woo!

QUEEF: Fuckin' America the brave.

ICE: I got UAV, what the fuck do you got? Gay guy that makes fun of me for lovin' America. Do you have somethin' against men who love America? Why don't you move to France? I was watchin' the Bill O'Reilly Factor yesterday, and he said that if you don't call 'em freedom fries, and you call 'em french fries, then you're a fuckin' queer ass French, Muslim terrorist Marxist mothefucker and you probably voted for Obama. Watch out for the claymores, motherfucker! You know they put 'em there, heh-heh.

CRAFTY: Hey Queef, there's a guy in front on you, watch out.

QUEEF: Alright, thanks man. Let's just try to work together, because, uh, um, yeah, IceBandit's not trying to work together, he's just trying to talk shit.

CRAFTY: Yeah.

ICE: I don't talk shit.

QUEEF: Yeah?

ICE: I make shit happen.

QUEEF: You make shit happen, huh? Why are we losing? We're getting our asses beat.

ICE: I'm not losing. I'm four and three right now.

QUEEF: Yeah, I know, but if you're on the losing team...

ICE: I don't give a shit, this is COD 4.

QUEEF: Oh my God. You know what, after this game I'm leaving, I just can't stand this guy anymore, he's a fuckin' moron, I'm sorry.

ICE: You're a fuckin' moron cause you're, uh... if I'm such a moron, then why are such a less good of as player as I am?

QUEEF: Oh my God...

CRAFTY: Guys, if we just play together we'll just...

ICE: Gerald!

QUEEF: I just can't play...

ICE: Gerald!

QUEEF: Do you hear this, Crafty? I can't...

ICE: Gerald!

QUEEF: This is uncalled for. You shouldn't plug...

ICE: Where the fuck's that beer at?

QUEEF: You shouldn't plug your mic in if you're just going to yell at your fuckin...

ICE: Gerald!

CRAFTY: I don't want to mute you, but...

ICE: Thank you.

QUEEF: What's this guy's problem? Are you fuckin' retarded, man?

ICE: Am I retarded?

QUEEF: Were you raised in a God damn barn?

ICE: Am I retarded?

QUEEF: Yeah, are you fuckin' retarded? It's a simple question.

ICE: Your last name on your gamertag is queef.

QUEEF: So... you don't like queefs?

ICE: That means, you're a queef.

CRAFTY: What's a queef?

ICE: I'm not even gonna explain that.

CRAFTY: Oh, ok.

QUEEF: Whatever, man. I don't make fun of you...

ICE: Watch out, he's got a grenade launcher! He's a noob-tubin' son of a bitch!

QUEEF: Yeah, I know, guess who just killed me? It was that noob-tubin' son of a bitch. You know why? Cause you didn't have my fuckin' back, as usual.

ICE: Listen, I can't be everywhere at once. I'm not Jesus Christ... praise Jesus.

QUEEF: He's your lord and savior, huh?

ICE: You know who I don't like? President Obama?

QUEEF: Why not?

ICE: Because he's a black Africo-American.

QUEEF: Oh, really.

ICE: I don't trust him. How could I ever trust a black man as a President?

QUEEF: I don't know, that's a good question.

ICE: I mean, we don't even know if he's born in America, and if he's not born in America, you definitely can't trust him, because he might be a Muslim cell. I've watched every season of 24, and if anything Jack Bauer's ever told me, is that I never ever... Gerald! Gerald, put that back! Anyways, what was I talkin' about?

QUEEF: Yo, they've ended the game like three fuckin' times.

CRAFTY: Guys, I think I gotta go, um, I think my mom said dinner's ready.

ICE: Troglobitz, where you goin', come on, let's play another one.

QUEEF: I think I'm just gonna leave too.

CRAFTY: Yeah.

QUEEF: I'll see... I'll see you guys later.

ICE: Guys... guys come back.

CRAFTY: See ya later, guys.

QUEEF: No... no...

ICE: Where you goin... no... fine, I'll play Wet Works by myself.
Track Name: Drive-Thru Vampires
LESTAT: So Edward, what did you think of the vampire speed-dating tonight?

EDWARD: Count, can you just stop snapping please? Thank you. Gosh. Like I was saying, vampire speed-dating just really isn't my thing, Lestat. I just... if I don't have Bella next to me at all times, I just don't know what I am.

LESTAT: I took you to the speed-dating so that you could find somebody else.

EDWARD: I know, but there is no one else. There's only Bella, and without Bella, I'm nothing.

LESTAT: She's making you less of a vampire. Don't you understand? You have lost your blood-lust.

EDWARD: How can you say that? I still drink blood, it's just animal blood.

LESTAT: It's hardly the same thing as human blood, and you know that.

EDWARD: I... I just don't want to talk about this anymore. What are you guys gonna get to eat?

LESTAT: Count, what do you want?

COUNT: I want a Number Five, ah, ah, ah.

LESTAT: Okay.

EDWARD: What about you, Lestat? What do you want?

LESTAT: Well, I'd really like to go inside.

EDWARD: We all know that you just want to go inside so that you can eat all of the people ins...

COUNT: There are three cars in line in front of us. One, ah, ah, ah.

LESTAT: We're quite aware.

COUNT: Two, ah, ah, ah.

EDWARD: Count, we know there's three...

COUNT: Three, ah...

EDWARD: There's three cars.

COUNT: Ah, ah.

EDWARD: Okay, thank you, gosh. Like I was saying...

COUNT: My name...

LESTAT: What's so wrong with wanting to go inside?

COUNT: Is The Count.

EDWARD: You just want to suck everyone's blood!

LESTAT: So what, what's wrong with that, I'm a vampire!

EDWARD: I know, but vampires can be peaceful, too. We can live in harmony with the humans.

COUNT: We should go inside and count the people in line, ah, ah, ah.

EDWARD: Oh my God. I fucking hate both of you so much. Bella understands me, you guys are just like my human parents. You just don't know what I'm thinking, you just don't understand me at all.

LESTAT: You think this Bella will solve all of your problems, but no, all she does is hold you down, she just holds you back from what your true potential could be.

EDWARD: I just don't believe you, I don't believe you. I just... I just... I don't want to talk about this anymore I said, and besides, the cars are moving. Let's make sure we know what we want. I just want a vegetarian taco, just no meat and no cheese, just the shell and lettuce... and fire sauce, too, I like that.

COUNT: Do you know how many letters are in the word fag? Three, ah, ah, ah.

EDWARD: You know what, Count? You know what, fuck this, I'm leaving, fuck you guys. I'm going back to Bella's house.

LESTAT: Edward, wait.

EDWARD: No, I'm leaving. See ya later, queers.

COUNT: Let's count how many feet, as he walks away. One, ah, ah, ah.

LESTAT: So Count, you want to go inside now? We can count all of the employees.

COUNT: Yes, ah, ah, ah.

LESTAT: Excellent.
Track Name: Flavorful Flatulence
BILL: And our company spending limits for this month has reached it limits. According to the chart, we are in the red zone.

BRUCE: Man... I shouldn't have parked there, I don't know what I was thinking. God, I... Man, I've got some gas. Jesus. Shouldn't have gone to McDonald's, that's such a bad idea.

ANNOUNCER: Tired of having to think twice about ordering your favorite bacon, egg and cheese sandwich in the morning?

BRUCE: Yeah.

ANNOUNCER: Well, do you wish there was a simple solution to this problem?

BRUCE: Yeah.

ANNOUNCER: One that would easily allow you to endure the same daily activities without any worry?

BRUCE: Of course.

ANNOUNCER: Well, now there is a solution. It's called Flavorful Flatulence! It makes the stink... evaporate! And turn into a smell more appealing to those around you.

BRUCE: Wow... I've got to get it right now.

BRUCE: You know what? I don't need this place anymore!

BILL: Excuse me, Bruce?

BRUCE: You heard me, I quit! And, uh, Mr. Clark is fucking your wife, Bill, sorry.
Track Name: Resident Assistance
JEREMY: Alright, man, so I was like talking to this chick in my Econ. class, and dude, she totally showed up! I can't believe it.

BRICE: That's awesome, man! Talk to her!

JEREMY: Dude, I'm gonna talk to her, man. Later, I'm gonna bang that shit, man. I'm tellin' you!

BRICE: Fuck yeah, man!

JEREMY: And man, you know how we've been talkin' about tag-teamin' bitches?

BRICE: Yes.

JEREMY: Dude, this is her, man.

BRICE: Is she a slut?

JEREMY: She's totally D.T.F, I'm tellin' you.

BRICE: Fuck yeah. Oh, beer's here, beer's here!

JEREMY: Beer's here, man! Fuck yeah!

COMBINED: Oh...

MARTIN: Hi... how's it goin', guys?

JEREMY: Hey, man... goin' good, you know? Just hangin' out and partyin', right?

MARTIN: Um, it's not a big deal, guys. We understand, college students just doin' your thing, uh... can you guys just turn down the music just a little bit?

JEREMY: Oh, yeah. Of course, man, we'll get right on that.

MARTIN: Alright. Anything to add, Stefen?

JEREMY: Hey, Steve! Turn it down, man. Steve!

STEFEN: Uh, yeah you guys. Just keep the music down.

BRICE: We got it, we got it.

STEFEN: We don't want to have to come back, but...

BRICE: We want to be very courteous to our RA's.

MARTIN: We don't think we'll have to come back. Will we have to come back?

JEREMY: No, of course not. We got it, guys. Just trust me, we got it.

MARTIN: Alright, we'll see you guys in a bit.

JEREMY: See ya, guys.

STEFEN: You guys have a good night.

JEREMY: Dude, I can't believe those fuckin' RA's came, man, what the fuck?

BRICE: Fuckin' tools, man!

JEREMY: Dude, do they have like, nothing better to do? I swear, that's all they do, man.

BRICE: Probably not, man.

JEREMY: I don't understand.

BRICE: I think they just have like cameras everywhere.

JEREMY: They're just like, the fuckin' campus sheriffs or somethin', you know?

BRICE: Fuckin' douches.

JEREMY: They just come around, "you guys can't drink," and bleh bleh bleh, but whatever, fuck 'em, man.

BRICE: Fuck 'em! Look at that girl, man. I saw you talkin' to her.

JEREMY: Yeah, man. I was talkin' to her, dude, and look, she's got a boyfriend, but I'm tellin' you, man, it doesn't matter. She's gettin' drunk as shit, and dude, later, I'm tellin' you, man, when she's alone...

MARTIN: Hey, guys.

JEREMY: Hey... didn't think you guys were coming back.

MARTIN: Yeah... yeah, but we're here. Stefen, what were we here for before?

STEFEN: I don't know, I think we got like some noise complaints. You guys wouldn't happen to know anything about that...

BRICE: He turned it down, guys... two notches! Two notches!

JEREMY: It's totally lower, like... I don't get it.

MARTIN: Listen, I understand you guys like German techno porn music, but the rest of the building doesn't, so I'm gonna ask you to like calm it down...

BRICE: Don't worry about it. We've got it this time, man.

MARTIN: Tell everybody to calm it down in there...

JEREMY: Steve! I said turn it down, man, God!

BRICE: Fuckin' Steve, man. He's got some hearing problems.

JEREMY: See, you guys? Don't even worry, like in a half an hour, half an hour, thirty minutes, everyone's gonna be outta here.

STEFEN: Alright, guys, well we don't want to have to come back again, and if we do, I'm not gonna really be too happy. My partner in RA crime, he's the nice one, so... just keep it down, man, we'll see you guys later.

MARTIN: Yeah, that's right. I'm the nice one.

JEREMY: Yo bro, dude... Dude, dude, thanks.

PARTY GUY: Have you guys seen Jackass? Dude, I'm totally gonna do the butt-chug! You guys seen that?!

COMBINED: Dude! Butt-chug! Butt-chug! Butt-chug!

STEFEN: Alright! That's it! What the hell is going on here?

BRICE: Shit!

STEFEN: You! Get out!

MARTIN: Why is...

STEFEN: You! Get out!

MARTIN: Why does he have a bong in his ass?

STEFEN: Hold on, Martin, I got this. Get out! You! How old are you?

PARTY GIRL: I'm, uh...

STEFEN: Bullshit! Get out! I'm sick and tired of you guys having these parties. The music is way too loud! Stop it!

MARTIN: Yeah, guys. Yeah. If I was as angry and black as him, I'd be saying the same thing.

STEFEN: Jesus Christ! Now you guys have a good fuckin' night.

MARTIN: I'm disappointed.

BRICE: Dude, it's his party, man!
Track Name: Jack Bauer's Revenge
JACK: The following takes place between 10:00 AM and 11:00 AM on the day of the California Presidential Primary.

BRAD: Hey there! Welcome to Starbucks. Would you like to try a new tutti-fruiti mocha latte cinnamon rum cappuccino? It's only $8.95 and we can add ice cream for an extra fifty cents.

JACK: No, no thanks. I was actually here this morning. I think you're the one who served me. I was buying coffee for my friends over at C.T.U., you know, I'm Jack Bauer.

BRAD: Oh.

JACK: And uh, I'm not really upset, but the coffee wasn't hot, so I'd like to speak to a manager. I don't want to get you in trouble, I just want to talk to the manager.

BRAD: Well, I'm really sorry to hear that, sir.

JACK: It's okay, it's okay.

BRAD: I'll get the manager right away.

JACK: Alright.

BRAD: Dale! Dale!

DALE: Yes, Brad?

BRAD: There seems to be a customer here, he's kind of upset, and I think he'd like to talk to you.

DALE: What seems to be the problem over here, sir?

JACK: Yeah, hey, how you doin'? Jack Bauer, I work over at C.T.U.

DALE: Oh, Jack Bauer. You were in here this morning, weren't you?

JACK: Yeah.

DALE: How's that coffee?

JACK: It...

DALE: Splendid, wasn't it?

JACK: No, it was actually really bad. You know, it wasn't hot, and I'd like to be reimbursed for it, truthfully.

DALE: Ah, that's a shame. You didn't think it was hot?

JACK: No, it wasn't hot. I don't think it wasn't hot, it was not hot.

DALE: Aw, that's too bad, because I made that coffee myself, and I put a little bit of love in every little bit of coffee I make.

JACK: Well, I'm sorry. You're just going to have to give me some free coffee.

DALE: Sir, I'm not going to give you a free coffee.

JACK: Dale, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Which one do you want to do it?

DALE: I don't see any way.

JACK: Alright, that's it.

DALE: Ah! Oh, you fucking shot me! What the fuck is your problem?!

JACK: You think that feels good?! Damn it Audrey, what's your problem? Now go make me some coffee!

BRAD: Oh my God, Mr. Peterson, what happened? Oh God!

DALE: He shot me, make him a coffee...

JACK: You gonna make that coffee, kid?

BRAD: Oh God!

DALE: Oh, I'm bleeding all over the floor...

JACK: Alright, outstanding marines! Out-fucking-standing!
Track Name: Dr. Peter Jones
DR. PETER JONES: Good morning, everyone. I'm Dr. Peter Jones, and I'm going to tell you a story about a dear friend of mine who is no longer with us. His name was Petey.

Petey always enjoyed being playful. He would always just prance on over and hop on my lap. Oftentimes, I would stroke Petey's beautiful chest with my nose, and whisper silent little soliloquies.

But one day, Petey was gone. Like a flash in the night, my beautiful little pussy had become one with the universe. And ever since that day, I've never touched a pussy. I've never even thought about their furry hair. I've just settled for dogs. Just big, nasty dogs.

I don't know why this has happened, but I believe I'm making the first step to understanding the truth. Understanding what's really going on here, and well, I just can't take the interruption. My work is crucial, and I have plans of taking over the world. Taking over all of my mankind with my thoughts, and all of eternity will vanquish.

My God, my quadrilateral interference is off the charts!

What I meant to say was:

I will love everyone with my heart and soul, and dance round and round until we've drowned and settled the sea. He-he-he!

I am Dr. Peter Jones. I have come to steal your nipples. I will then construct a nipple tower with my collection of Earthling nipples. Have you seen my heart? It is in your hands.

Please pardon the interruption.

I am Dr. Peter Jones, and I have come to save you. I have come to show you the way of the One. The one that you call Neo.

Good afternoon. This is Dr. Peter Jones with a message for the kids. Stay in school, because school is cool. And when you're feelin' the vibe, you're goin' for a ride. So take a deep breath, close your eyes, and look into your mind to see the illusion. The illusion that's keeping you real comfortable. Real smooth talkin' and jivin' and slippin' and trippin' and wishin' you were somewhere else.

And what if I were to say that maybe someday you'd find the answers to the problems of the Earth. And that you have a chance to make a difference. Right here, right now. And let me ask you, wouldn't that be swell?

Please pardon the interruption.

Petey was surely my greatest companion. I could always just depend on my Petey to keep me warm in bed in the coldest nights of the winter. Without that pretty pussy, I would have surely died a painful death, full of shame and regret.

And I ask now, in the face of the Lord, please let me feel that furry pussy one more time. I don't have much time left, and well, it'd be an old man's greatest wish to feel a warm pussy one last time before he died.

Perhaps, not even a fully grown pussy, but a young pussy. An up-and-coming pussy, perhaps. One whom I could teach the lessons of life, and truly influence with the greatness of my heart.

I sign this treaty, on the eighteenth day of June, in the year 1776, as Dr. Peter Jones, the future ruler of the universe.